***language warning***
Since you have been gone, I've become possessed by a demon of mean spiteful hatefulness. One that calls names (and NOT only in my head), cusses, and flat-out hates.
I do not like this person.
It seems unfair somehow to lay the guilt for that at your feet, but so much of what sets me off could be eased if I could just talk to you. You were always such a good listener. And you could make me laugh at my own frazzledness.
It's also true that many of the things that set me off would not exist had you just continued to exist. No necessity for a job, no homelessness, no car falling to pieces -- you'd have figured out a way to get it fixed, or helped me figure it out. You would have been more on top of the transmission fluid situation, that's for sure.
Rex, you would not believe the frequency with which I use the f word. I've probably used it more in the last two months than I ever did out whole lives together, And I call people retards in my mind, and you know that I have never used that word that way -- that I have been extremely upset by and with people who do. I've even called them fucktards, and you know how I despise that word. (While still admiring it, in a professional sort of way. It says what it means and means what it says. No one has ever needed to have it defined for them, or explained.)
I am hateful.
I am angry.
I am childish.
I am spiteful.
I am malicious.
I am ungrateful.
I am humorless.
I am negative.
And I do not like this person.
But I don't know how to find me again, anymore, ever.
I don't know if that me exists, or even if she ever did.
I kind of liked her most of the time when I thought she did exist. There were negative things, but they were all softened and leveled out by a sense of humor and a sort of loving kindness that could see the silly side and laugh at it.
I miss her, but she is so lost; so far away.
How do I get back to her?
