You Were There. And Then

when my alarm for my medicine went off this morning, I was so warm and comfortable, snuggled next ti you. Then I turned the alarm off, and turned back over, to a cold and empty bed.

I wondered where you had gone.
Then I remembered that you have been gone for a very long time.
And an even longer time since we could snuggle in the bed, since you couldn't breathe lying down.

So why would I think that?
Was it a dream?
A dream remnant?

Was it just warmth and comfort?
If so, did I conjured it up for myself, or was the loving warmth coming from you?

I don't know.
I'll never know.

What I do know is that in that moment between sleeping and waking, the bed got colder and bigger and emptier.

I miss you.

Been a While

Wow, it's been a while -- a long while -- since I put anything here. A lot has been going on, and the whole thing with the holidays here and you there (wherever there is), and some of the events -- well, I just haven't had the heart. Or, when I did, I didn't have the means.

The first thing is that it turns out there's nothing wrong with my heart after all. Except, I suppose, that it's misshapen. I guess that if I had to have a heart problem, having it on the tight is better than on the wrong side.

Your brother Charlie died, but you know that. I've seen you and him cracking inane jokes and laughing at one another, pleased and silly and happy. And for the most part, twenty years younger. Oh well.

Your daughter Hazel also passed, and the girls and I went to her funeral. We went to the cemetery, too. That was an awful, awful thing to happen, and I was glad that you did not have to live through that anguish. I hope she has found the peace and acceptance she looked for for so long.

The cord on my new not yet paid for computer broke and a replacement had to be ordered.

I wrecked the car.
I had Tammy and Hailey with me when that happened.

They are all right, I am all right, and the car survived, as well. It took the worst of it.

The woman behind us said it was black ice. I guess it was; I couldn't say. One minute I'm driving along, and then the car was trying to go off somewhere all by itself.

Seemed like we slid around forever, but we didn't.
Airbags deployed.
Tammy got throwed around.
I crushed the steering wheel.
Tammy started screaming for Hailey flying into the back seat.
Hailey says, "Mammaw, why did you hit that tree?" in a normal conversational tone.

I didn't hit a tree, I hit a guard rail.
Tammy's head was bonked, and her right arm messed up.
My -- er; um -- chest was bruised badly, and my right arm is giving me some problems.

I started putting things in storage, since it doesn't look as if I'll be moving into anywhere any time soon.
Pretty sure that isn't doing my arm any good. Arm and shoulder and neck.

And I stayed at Tam's a few days, but now I'm home, and now my cord came in, and life is pretending to be getting back to normal.

And that's it for now, except we are still missing you.
Always.